• She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    From Arelor@21:2/138 to All on Fri Feb 26 21:55:04 2021
    Hello!

    I have been working in yet another short story as of late. I have a draft nearly finished. There is still some work to do, but so far I am liking the result.

    I am posting a small fragment here. I am interested in hearing what you think of it. Destructive feedback is welcome :-P

    ## She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    The Immortal was indistinguishable from a state of the art android. She featured a pale, blue skin, so realistic that only close inspection revealed it was synthetic. Her black business suit was plain and old-school. As it was traditional for androids, she had been given a horse shaped head, covered in artificial, white fur, in honor of the Peacebringer, who was said to consider horses sacred. The only thing that revealed her body was controlled by a supernatural will instead of a computer was the evil cold sensation that irradiated from it. A cold that was felt by the soul instead of the body.

    Sitting at the interrogation table, Wan Jing tried to suppress her shivering in the presence of the Immortal. The anti-matter light-bulbs cast a purple light on the room, empty of all furniture but the table and the chair she sat on. There was a mirror on a wall, and Wan Jing bet the room behind it was brimming with curious policemen.

    "I'm Whiteberry," announced the Immortal, standing in front of the table. Her voice was surprisingly sweet and feminine. "I speak for the Peacebringer. You are accused of murdering Doctor Chaun in his lab. I am not your enemy, for I seek only the truth. If you cooperate, I'll be merciful even if you are found guilty. You may call a lawyer to represent you."

    Wan Jing found herself shivering not only from the cold. The unspoken threat weighted on her shoulders like a backpack full of lead. If she didn't confess and was found guilty, her soul would be harvested and enslaved by the Peacebringer. A sempiternity of everlasting imprisonment for murdering one of the Death God's vassals.

    She considered confessing the crime right away. Whiteberry would give her a life sentence, which seemed a much preferable outcome.

    "I need no lawyer," she said instead, realizing she was being proud and stupid. Her actions could well be dooming her, but she was not going to confess a crime she didn't commit. "I am innocent."

    "Interesting."

    Whiteberry leaned forward and placed the palms of her hands on the table. She looked directly into Wan Jing's living daylights. The Immortal's eyes were much more intense and alive than those of a mere android.

    "Inspector Cong claims you pierced his head through with a laser drill," the Peacebringer's envoy said. Her tone was not aggressive at all, just... informative. "According to him, it was all caught by a security camera."

    "I know."

    "Yet you still claim innocence."

    "Cong lies!" cried Wan Jing, standing and waving a finger in front of her. "I loved him, do you hear me? I loved Chaun and now he is gone!"

    The Immortal didn't flinch an inch. If she noticed the tears running down Wan Jing's cheeks, she gave no sign of it.

    "According to my sources, Doctor Chaun didn't reciprocate."

    "I didn't kill him because of that, if that's what you're implying," said Wan Jing, wiping her eyes between sobs.

    Whiteberry straightened up slowly. Then, without uttering a single sound, she flashed out of the room.

    ## TO BE CONTINUED

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  • From Ogg@21:4/106.21 to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 14:32:00 2021
    Hello Arelor!

    ** On Friday 26.02.21 - 16:55, Arelor wrote to All:

    I am posting a small fragment here. I am interested in
    hearing what you think of it. Destructive feedback is
    welcome :-P

    ## She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    Stay tuned. I converted it to epub and tossed it to my Kobo. (I
    wanted to try that anyway!)

    BTW, Calibre seems to create the little page numbers that I see
    in the margins of my Kobo too. Maybe it follows the same
    1000chars/pg rule? Anyway.. your text is rendered in 3 pages,
    not including the cover. So.. for about 3580 chars, that's
    about right.



    --- OpenXP 5.0.49
    * Origin: (} Pointy McPointFace (21:4/106.21)
  • From Ogg@21:4/106.21 to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 14:54:00 2021

    BTW.. How do you pronounce your alias?

    Is it R-lor, Ay-lor, Ay-re-lor ..other?

    Which syllable gets the emphasis?


    --- OpenXP 5.0.49
    * Origin: (} Pointy McPointFace (21:4/106.21)
  • From Ogg@21:4/106.21 to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 15:02:00 2021
    Hello Arelor!

    ** On Saturday 27.02.21 - 08:36, Arelor wrote to Ogg:

    BTW, Calibre seems to create the little page numbers that I
    see in the margins of my Kobo too. Maybe it follows the
    same 1000chars/pg rule? Anyway.. your text is rendered in 3
    pages, not including the cover. So.. for about 3580 chars,
    that's about right.

    It sounds like it.

    It is funny, because it didn't feel like it was 3 pages when
    I wrote that segment.

    Even if I switch to the smallest font, the device gives me "3"
    page numbers and screenfuls to flip through. The "## TO BE
    CONTINUED" gets its own page.

    The Kobo has 5 font settings. I like the middle, Medium. That
    one gives me 5 screens to flip through. But the page numbers
    are always the same: 3. ..for a total of 4 (where the cover is
    considered page 1)

    I learned a new word today: sempiternity.


    --- OpenXP 5.0.49
    * Origin: (} Pointy McPointFace (21:4/106.21)
  • From Arelor@21:2/138 to Ogg on Sat Feb 27 13:36:08 2021
    Re: She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer
    By: Ogg to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 2021 09:32 am

    Hello Arelor!

    ** On Friday 26.02.21 - 16:55, Arelor wrote to All:

    I am posting a small fragment here. I am interested in
    hearing what you think of it. Destructive feedback is
    welcome :-P

    ## She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    Stay tuned. I converted it to epub and tossed it to my Kobo. (I
    wanted to try that anyway!)

    BTW, Calibre seems to create the little page numbers that I see
    in the margins of my Kobo too. Maybe it follows the same
    1000chars/pg rule? Anyway.. your text is rendered in 3 pages,
    not including the cover. So.. for about 3580 chars, that's
    about right.

    It sounds like it.

    It is funny, because it didn't feel like it was 3 pages when I wrote that segment.

    --
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    * Origin: Palantir * palantirbbs.ddns.net * Pensacola, FL * (21:2/138)
  • From Arelor@21:2/138 to Ogg on Sat Feb 27 16:12:14 2021
    Re: She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer
    By: Ogg to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 2021 09:54 am


    BTW.. How do you pronounce your alias?

    Is it R-lor, Ay-lor, Ay-re-lor ..other?

    Which syllable gets the emphasis?

    The name is intended to be pronounced as it would be read in Spanish.

    In English it would be like **R** - re -lor.

    --
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    * Origin: Palantir * palantirbbs.ddns.net * Pensacola, FL * (21:2/138)
  • From Ogg@21:4/106.1 to Arelor on Sat Feb 27 14:37:15 2021
    Is it R-lor, Ay-lor, Ay-re-lor ..other?

    Which syllable gets the emphasis?

    The name is intended to be pronounced as it would be read in Spanish.

    In English it would be like **R** - re -lor.

    That was my 4th guess! Thanks.
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  • From Ogg@21:4/106.21 to Arelor on Sun Feb 28 18:50:00 2021
    Hello Arelor!

    ** On Friday 26.02.21 - 16:55, Arelor wrote to All:

    I am posting a small fragment here. I am interested in
    hearing what you think of it. Destructive feedback is
    welcome :-P

    ## She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    READ.

    It's a bit hard to criticize the writing since it is such a
    short snippet.

    But one glaring issue stood out; an incomplete sentence:

    "A sempiternity of everlasting imprisonment for murdering one
    of the Death God's vassals.

    Another thing:

    "Whiteberry straightened up slowly. Then, without uttering a
    single sound, she flashed out of the room.

    I was wondering how "flashed out" was supposed to be envisioned
    in my imagination. Was it akin to "beam me up Scottie?". Was it
    a high-speed sprint?

    --- OpenXP 5.0.49
    * Origin: (} Pointy McPointFace (21:4/106.21)
  • From Arelor@21:2/138 to Ogg on Mon Mar 1 08:32:19 2021
    Re: She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer
    By: Ogg to Arelor on Sun Feb 28 2021 01:50 pm

    Hello Arelor!

    ** On Friday 26.02.21 - 16:55, Arelor wrote to All:

    I am posting a small fragment here. I am interested in
    hearing what you think of it. Destructive feedback is
    welcome :-P

    ## She Who Spoke for the Peacebringer

    READ.

    It's a bit hard to criticize the writing since it is such a
    short snippet.

    But one glaring issue stood out; an incomplete sentence:

    "A sempiternity of everlasting imprisonment for murdering one
    of the Death God's vassals.

    Another thing:

    "Whiteberry straightened up slowly. Then, without uttering a
    single sound, she flashed out of the room.

    I was wondering how "flashed out" was supposed to be envisioned
    in my imagination. Was it akin to "beam me up Scottie?". Was it
    a high-speed sprint?

    Criticisms noted.

    To "flash" is a term used all throughout the far-future part of the series. Space-folding technology is widespread so there are
    consumer-grade "flashers" you clip to your belt and use to teleport at will. It gets a bit tedious to explain in each of the
    far future stories, and people picks the idea quite fast without the explanation, so I usually leave it out. I might add some
    color to that paragraph to clarify that Whiteberry is flashing out via technology, though.

    --
    gopher://gopher.richardfalken.com/1/richardfalken
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  • From Adept@21:2/108 to Arelor on Sun Mar 7 10:21:54 2021
    The name is intended to be pronounced as it would be read in Spanish.

    In English it would be like **R** - re -lor.

    Ogg's message made me realize that I had been pronouncing it incorrectly in
    my head, because of having been exposed to it here, rather than in a place where I would've seen the accent above the 'A'.

    Still makes me sad at how minimally-supported accents are.

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